Significant
Other
An Entirely Pointless Story About Dib
by Sarah Tilson
Within the recesses of
Dibs house, the phone rang.
And rang. And rang. Finally, after the caller had waited five
rings and not hung up yet, the houses lone occupant picked
up the receiver.
What? Gaz snapped, her customary method of greeting
anyone who interrupted her life via telephone.
Hi, Gaz, is Dib there? answered the cheerful voice of
Zana, Dibs girlfriend of two weeks. Gaz despised her, even
above her usual misanthropy. Zana had two strikes against her:
being associated with Dib and being so damned chipper all the
time.
No. Hes out, she hissed.
He said hed be home...where is he?
Fifteen minutes earlier, Gaz had caught Dib clambering out of his
window, dressed in that ridiculous ninja-espionage outfit and
packing more gadgets than James Bond. There was only one thing
her brother could be doing dressed like that, and it wasnt
running out for last minute flowers.
He snuck out. To go see Zim.
Zim? came Zanas surprised reply.
Whos Zim?
His obsession, Gaz stated, and closed the
conversation by slamming down the receiver and stalking away to
her room for a few precious hours of uninterrupted gaming.
Dib returned at four in the morning, somewhat singed and smelling
distinctly of sulfur but looking strangely triumphant. He was
carrying a broken piece of magenta equipment that periodically
emitted a shower of blue sparks and beeped feebly. Gaz found him
checking to make sure the back door was locked as tight as
possible.
What is that? Gaz asked, pointing at the battered
object that Dib was cradling as if it might break if looked at
too hard.
Its a very important...um... Dib looked the
thing in his arms, and gave up. ...item. Im going to
analyze it, find out what its made of. Its most
definitely Not Of This Earth. I was going to leave him a
challenge letter, but I cant find it...must have left it in
my other coat.
And this would accomplish exactly what? Besides pissing off
your girlfriend, I mean.
Dont you see -- it will increase my knowledge of
Zims nature, which in turn will...wait, what did you say
about my girlfriend? You did tell her that I was suddenly
overcome with leprosy and had to be rushed to the hospital,
right?
But lying is wrong, Big Brother, Gaz drawled in mock
innocence. And you cant be suddenly
overcome with leprosy, you pathetic loser.
Gaz! Dib cried, horrified. This mission was
supposed to be secret! No one must know my plans! You might have
jeopardized the survival of the human race!
Dib, you stand out like a severed thumb, and you make twice
as much noise as usual when youre trying to sneak around. I
dont think you could be covert if your life depended on it,
which it might if you keep bringing me into this. Zim is your
creepy fixation, not mine.
Zana will understand that the fate of the world is at
stake, Dib declaimed as Gaz marched into her room and
slammed the door in his face.
Two days later, Dib waited patiently for Zana at their appointed
rendezvous spot in the local ice-cream parlor, sucking on a
strawberry milkshake and glancing over his shoulder occasionally.
He had taken the liberty of purchasing Zana a sundae as a
makeshift apology, but she was thirty minutes late already and it
was beginning to melt.
Finally, she arrived. And she did not look happy.
Whats wrong? Dib asked, as Zana stomped over to
his table and made a point of refusing to sit down.
Dib -- theres someone else, isnt there?
she snapped at him. Dib looked shocked.
Of course not -- what are you --
Look, I know youve been thinking about someone quite
a lot. Let me ask one more time -- is there someone else?
No, of course... the image of Zim rose unbidden into
his mind, as it often did. Dib glanced around nervously; a small
crowd of gawkers had gathered. In a manner of
speaking...
In a manner of speaking, huh? What do you call this?
She tossed a crumpled and highly lint-covered piece of paper on
the table. And this? On top of the paper she
dumped a box of shaky Polaroids. Every single one of these
is of the same person, Dib! Fifty-two pictures of this guy!
Dib stared dumbly at the pile of unsuccessful attempts to catch
Zim unmasked. Picture after picture of Zim, sleeping in class;
Zim, lying on the concrete after being tripped; Zim, screaming at
small green dog; Zim, poking with a sharp implement at what
appeared to be a sewer rat. Zana, I can explain --
Yeah, explain why I found this in the pocket of that coat
you left at my house. She snatched up the piece of paper
and read it aloud. Zim: Tonight was only the
beginning. I wont let you get away from me. Wherever you
go, Ill be there -- Ill follow you to the edge of the
solar system if thats where you choose to run! Resistance
is futile! My resolve will never waver until nothing stands
between us and you are finally MINE! Thats pretty
passionate. And its in your handwriting, Dib. Explain away.
Im dying to hear this.
You-you dont understand! stammered Dib, who
couldnt believe what he was hearing. Zim is an alien
invader posing as a human being -- he goes to my school and
hes a serious threat to the safety of the planet!
Thats a challenge note! Really! I was going to leave it in
his house a few nights ago --
AHA! So you admit that you were at this Zim
persons house that night I called you! And seriously, Dib,
youre going to have to come up with a better lie than that.
I mean, really.
But you said you believed in aliens! Dib sputtered,
aghast.
Aliens in UFOs are one thing. Aliens in geography class are
quite another. Look, if youd just stop lying about it and
give up on this Zim, Ill forgive you...
I cant stop now! Im so close -- within the week
Ill have him for sure --
Dib had a split second to truly regret that statement before
receiving a bowl of slightly melted Rocky Road with whipped cream
and fudge directly in his face.
And youre never getting your trenchcoat back either,
you two-timing punk! Zana yelled as she stormed out the
door, slamming behind her so hard she almost knocked the cheery
bell off the door frame.
Dib glared at the now quite substantial congregation of gawkers,
snatched up his milkshake, and exited with as much dignity as it
is possible to muster with maraschino cherry embedded in
ones hair.
Zim held the telephone receiver a foot away from his head,
listening in bemusement to Dibs furious tirade. When Dib
started claiming he would redecorate his bedroom with Zims
framed internal organs, Zim decided that this was getting a
little ridiculous and hung up.
Yaaayyyyyyyy! GIR yelled, preemptively celebrating.
I dont know what that was all about, the Irkan
remarked to his robot, but Im counting it as a
success.