Bus Ride of DOOM
BY: Kitt the Disturbed

{{On a normal looking, if not filthy, bus, a commotion is breaking out in the back seats. A small, grade-school boy with a cool coat and huge glasses stands, waving his arms frantically, trying to get the attention of his fellow passengers.}}

Dib: {{Mid-speech.}} People! You must listen to me! Your very lives are in danger! Yours, your childrenís, your POSTAL WORKERSí! Donít you care about your postal workers?!

{{A mini-Goth girl is sitting next to him, absorbed in the blinking patterns of a small box.}}

Gaz: No one cares about postal workers, Dib.

{{Dib continues with his speech, unaffected by the nagging sound of doubt. Heís used to it.}}

Dib: Why, you ask? {No one has asked.} Iíll tell you, good people. Itís because of THAT KID THERE!!!

{{Points at a green child sitting in the seat in front of him. No one seems to think a little green boy with a bad toupee is strange. Nor do they think that the little, green dog sitting next to him singing the word "doom" over and over is out of the ordinary.}}

Zim: {{As innocently as possible, considering his squeedily spooch is throbbing with fear.}} What do you mean, foolish Earth Boy...um... Bus Boy...uh...guy?

{{The bus driver horks up something nasty from her throat. Yes, horks.}}

BD: Hey, you two. The bus is fer ridiní, nor fer jawiní.

Dib: I defy you to say that when aliens like him are {{Finger-quotes.}} "ridiní" around on humans like mere horses!

GIR: I LIKE horses!

Zim: Citizens of Bus, let me assure you: this boy is a commonplace raving lunatic. Pay him no mind.

Gaz: {{Still playing.}} Heh. Raving.

Dib: Please, people, listen to me! Iím trying to save you.

{{The bus comes to a screeching halt. A small child flies out of his seat and smacks against the front window. Always wear your seat belts, kiddies!}}

BD: We ainít in no need of aísaviní. {{Though she seems to be in need of an English class.}} You two getcher hides offa this bus!

Zim and Dib: But... but...

GIR: Oooh! a backpack!

BD: Take yer talkiní dog with ya.

{{Zim and Dib rise slowly out of their seats, glaring at each other. They walk off the bus while GIR stumbles behind. The bus leaves them in a thick cloud of yummy, nutritious smoke.}}

Zim: Congratulations, DIB. Youíve left us stranded, at night, on a foreign planet.

Dib: Itís not foreign to ME, Zim. {{Chuckles evilly and starts to walk off. Stops. Looks around.}}

Zim: {{Haughtily.}} Whatís wrong? The big Earthling doesnít know where his is?

Dib: {{Quickly.}} No. No, thatís not true. I know exactly where...we are. {{Trails off.}} Sortof.

Zim: Ha. Why donít you just admit...{{Leaps with a short scream into Dibís arms}} Argh!! Space BEAST!!! {{Points frantically at the ground.}}

Dib: {{Drops Zim to the ground.}} Thatís a caterpillar, Zim. {The caterpillar inches on his innocent caterpillar-y little way.}

Zim: {Brushes himself off with the little Irken pride he has left.} Of course it is. HaÖ. Ha-ha.

{GIR drops to the ground in a hysterical fit of high-pitched laughter while Dib starts to walk off again.}

Dib: Whatever.

Zim: {Under his breath as he shakes his fist at the sidewalk.} Stupid little spiny worm. {Squishes it as if he was doing away with a formidable enemy.} Yet another Irken victory!

{He starts to perform a cute little victory dance (think "The Robot") when he realizes that Dib is walking away without him. With as much dignity as he can muster he scampers to catch up with the Earth boy.}

Dib: {Looking straight ahead while Zim chases him with GIR behind} Well, Zim, even though I know exactly where we are and how to get home from here, I believe we should make a little stop to the Police Station. {Rubs his hands together in a cool, cartoon-villainy kind of way.} Iím sure theyíd be terribly interested in {{Finger-quotes}} "examining" you, my interplanetary traveling companion. {Chuckles.} Mwah. Mwaha. {Laughing louder} Mwaha-ha-ha-ha!

{Dib soon becomes so wrapped up in his evil laughter that he smacks into a large boot and falls back. Zim, who has finally caught up with him, looks up at the bootís owner. Itís a strange-looking young man with odd hair. Heís almost bald except for two horn-like bunny-ear thingies of hair on the front of his head. He is exceptionally thin, dressed completely in black...well, his shirt has a picture of a happy-face on it. This guy looks like he hasnít slept in awhile. I KNOW whoíve figured out who he is by now.}

Nny: Hey!

Chapter 2

{{Dib stands up and rubs his over-sized head, trying to fix his scythe-like hair while Zim studies Nny.}}

Zim:{{Thinking.}} Hmmm. An interesting human specimen. I must study it. {{Aloud, trying to be casual.}} Greetings, friend.

Nny:{{Crosses his arms over his chest and squints one eye at the little green boy.}} You're not my friend.

Dib:{{Still trying to fix his hair.}} He's no one's friend. He's a plague upon mankind. A PLAGUEE!

Nny: I know the feeling. {{Spins on his heel and starts to leave.}}

{{Zim runs after him and grabs the edge of his trenchcoat.}}

Zim: Hey, wait...{{Zim's hand comes back red. He shudders.}} Ewww...What's all over your coat?

Dib:{{Stands between Nny and Zim with his hands on his hips.}} Don't be a fool, Zim, even though it's your nature. Can't you see that's just thin, red, copper-scented paint? {{A lightbulb goes off over his head, and his eyes grow wide. He turns around to face Nny, who is grinning like a cheshire cat, for lack of a better simile. Hey, it's late.}} Um... heh-heh.

{{Grabs Zim's arm and hisses.}} WeneedtogonowZim.

Zim:{{Shakes off Dib's grip.}} Get your hands off me, stupid human. This sidewalk dweller could be useful to our cause.

Dib:{{Stage whispering and frantically gesturing to Nny, who is running his finger along the edge of a particularly nasty-looking knife.}} I don't THINK SO, Zim. I think it would be best if we LEAVE NOW!

Nny:{{As usual, pointing out the obvious to the oblivious masses.}} I CAN hear you, you know.

{{Zim kicks Dib in the leg and crosses in front of him, facing Nny.}}

Zim: Tell me, uh... what was your name, again?

Nny: Most people call me, "Hey, skinny guy," or, "Please, God, just let me die." You can call me, "Nny."

Zim: I am known as Zim, and this pathetic waste of organic material is Dib. Well, "Knee," have you a small machine used for communicating across long distances by way of a wire?

Nny: A phone?

Zim: Yes.

Nny: Yeah. It's at my house. Come with me.

{{Dib limps his way up to Zim.}}

Dib: Thank you, but that won't be necessary. Let's go Zim.

Nny:{{Clamps a claw-like hand on Dib's shoulder. Dib goes several shades paler.}} Come on, Dib. It'll be fun...for me, at least. {{Dib stammers unintelligibly as Nny drags him along by the cuff of his jacket. Zim follows and they approach Nny's car - a crappy looking thing spattered with dirt, rust and more of that copper-scented paint. Yeah, paint.}}

Chapter 3

Ok. Nny is a bit out of character. Hey, I'm not Jhonen, so sue me.

{{Nny shoves Dib into the back seat and takes the wheel. Zim sits shot-gun. Nny's long limbs barely fit into the tiny car, but somehow he manages to pull away from the curb.}}

Nny:{{Looking at Dib through the rear-view mirror.}} I hope I haven't given you the wrong impression of me. I almost never have little kids over to my house, {{Glances at Zim, who is sitting, oblivious, taking notes on everything in Nny's car.}} but I've taken an interest in your green friend, here. I'd like to see what makes him...tick.

{{Now folks, it looks as if I've forgotten all about our dear friend, GIR. Don't worry. He'll come into play soon enough. For now, be assured that he's fine.}}

{{After some time of driving, the little car pulls up to a delapidated house with boarded up windows, threatening signs and no grass. It's quite cheery. Nny steps out of the car and lets Zim out. He pokes his head into the back window and speaks to Dib, who is clutching his knees to his chest.}}

Nny: You can stay here if you like, Dib. This shouldn't take long. {{Walks with Zim into the house, leaving Dib all by his poor little self. Aww.}}

{{Inside the house. Nny attempts to turn on a light while Zim takes in all that he sees. Various moaning is heard from the floors below.}}

Zim:{{Hears the moaning.}} What's that sound?

Nny: Pipes. {{Slams his boot-clad foot against the floor three times. Moaning stops abrubtly.}}

{{Back in the car, Dib wrestles with his conscience.}}

Dib:{{Thinking aloud.}} Why should I care about what happens to Zim? I'M the one always trying to cut him up. So this guy's going to do it for me. So what? He's an evil freak bent on world domination. He has it coming. I will not feel guilty about this. {{Pauses.}} Of course, now I'll have to find something different to do after school. Maybe Gaz will let me play with her Game Slave. Or I could take up gardening. I've HAVE always been facinated by azaleas. I could even try {{shudders with horror.}} socializing with my classmates. {{With realization.}} No! {{Stands up with sudden determination. Hits his head on the roof of the car and sits back down. Man, this kid's taken a lot of blows tonight.}} Zim is MY freaky obssesion and I won't let anyone else take that! {{Gets out of the car, marches up the the door and swings it open.}}

{{Dib sees Nny standing in front of Zim with a gun and assumes the worst. He leaps between them in cool and very dramatic slow-motion.}}

Dib: NOOOO!! {{Lands gracelessly on his face. Gets up shakily and points an accusatory finger at Nny. Drops it.}} Um...where was I? Oh, yeah. {{Points again at Nny.}} NOOO! I won't let you kill Zim!

Zim:{{Clueless.}} What?

Nny: I thought you said he was a plague to humankind.

Dib: Yes, well, he's MY plague! If anyone's going to disect him, it's going to be ME.

Nny:{{Sadly.}} Wait. You thought I was going to kill him? Why do people always assume that? I was really just going to let him use the phone, I just had to disconnect this from it first. {{Gestures to the gun.}}

{{Nny turns away from the two and shifts from depressive to angry-ranting mode.}} Nny: This always happens. Even when I'm trying to do something NICE for Christ's sake! Damn! Kill some people and you're branded for life! A scarlet letter on my chest, driving people farther and farther away until it's as if I had the goddamned black plague! It's not as if I care about what they think, but there's only so much of this I can take. Pathetic little minds, only seeing the apparant. They condemn with their glances, feeling so SUPERIOR! Knowing nothing, but feeling omnipotent! {{Spins around.}} What did you say?!

Dib:{{He and Zim glance at each other and then back at Nny.}} Nothing...

{{Nny stalks past them and speaks to the wall.}}

Nny: I don't need YOU to tell me what I already know! {{"listens" to reply.}} That's not true!! You haven't been where I have! You know nothing, just like THEM!!{{"Listens" again.}}

{{Dib drags Zim along and creeps to the door as Nny hurls expletives at the wall. Dib opens the door and GIR rushes through it. Apparantly, when Zim and Dib encountered Nny, he was busy chewing on his own foot. He's covered in dirt and random filth from chasing them all this way.}}

GIR: Hiii!! {{Runs in circles around the room.}}

Nny:{{Holds his hands to his head.}} Fuck, I'm hearing talking DOGS now.

Zim: GIR, come!

Dib: We can't wait for him!

{{Dib drags Zim out the door. As they run, the sound of Nny high-pitched shrieking fills the air, followed by the grating sound of a knife stabbing metal and GIR's giggling.}}

GIR: Stabbing tickles!!

{{Much later, Dib and Zim find Zim's house. Zim starts to walk in and Dib grabs him by the shoulder.}}

Dib: Well??

Zim: Well, what?

Dib: Aren't you going to thank me? For saving your life and all?

Zim: Thank you? THANK you?! You got us kicked off a bus, lost, and stopped that "Knee" guy from letting me call for help! Therefore, it took us hours to get home, and I don't know where GIR is!! {{Now waving his arms with Irkin fury.}} YOU WANT ME TO THANK YOU??!! {{Pants. Then stops and looks at Dib for a moment. Kicks him in the leg. Goes inside and slams the door.}}

Dib:{{Heard from outside the house.}} You're welcome!