Shovels make Lousy Back Scratchers

By: Invader Zina

The universe is indeed a big, big thing. It stretches on for miles, no wait, thousands of millions of billions of… well you get the idea. The very thought of beings living on another planet is heard of, but many people choose to not believe it. Sometimes, once in a great while, something…. Weird happens.

How weird you may ask? Hm, to put it quickly. A little annoying alien is sent on a mission to invade a very small and pathetic excuse for a planet. Also known as Earth. Say this annoying alien had a stupid little robot with him, but each time he attempts to take control of Earth, something zany happens, resulting in hilarious events.

Sounds fun eh?? You bet yer human ears it’s fun!

Well anyway, back on the planet where the annoying little alien, also known as Zim, came from, his rulers, the Almighty Tallest Red and Purple are not happy. Not happy at all!

The two great, powerful, almighty, and handsome rulers were stood near a huge window, observing their city of busy little Irks just like them, only shorter.

"Have you heard from Zim yet?" Red asked, as he placed his hands behind his back.

"Another failed mission, Red. It’s pathetic!" Purple snarled as a Voot Runner whizzed past the window with an ‘L’ on the window.

"What are we going to do with him? Abort his mission and… bring him back?" Red smartly used a dramatic pause, and received a shocked look from his associate.

"What? Bring back Zim? Are you crazy? If we bring him back, he might explode our planet! Or something like that." Purple claimed as he walked away from the window, a green hand stroking his would be chin.

"So what are we to do? Maybe… I know! Maybe we could send another Irken after him! An Irken so powerful and dangerous that if Zim dares talk back in his snide little fashion the Irken will smite him with the powerful fist!" Red had joined Purple on the other side of the room, and slammed one fist into his other open palm.

Purple gave him an ‘odd’ look.

"…sorry." Red’s hands fell besides his sides, but then Purple’s face was over run with a grin.

"You know something Red, you may be onto something. Besides the smiting and fisting, sending an Irk to help him conquer Earth may be the key! But who would be willing enough to go help Zim of all Irkens…" Purple paced the room, thinking quickly. Red yawned slightly as time ticked on.

"How about Royva?" Purple asked,

"Went insane." Red replied.

"Custo?"

"Blew up."

"Hankey?"

"Flushed."

The two stood in silence, trying to think up an Irk capable enough to travel all the way to Earth, to help out Zim. Then the door was opened by a small SIR, female, with a red circle on her chest. She held the door open, as a blue-eyed female Irk entered the room carrying a platter with a shield on it. On the platter, seen through the shield is a throbbing red… thing.

"Your snack time Oh Mighty Powerful Tallest!" she declared happily as the SIR closed the door behind her.

"Put it on the table Cten." Red mumbled, now sat down.

"Yes Sir Red!" Cten chimed, putting the platter on the table.

Purple then turned around to face her, his purple eyes meeting her blue ones.

"….that’s it!" he declared suddenly, making Cten, Red and the SIR jump from shock.

"What’s it?" Red asked, "Have you thought up someone to-" Purple motioned him to shut up, and he did. Purple then turned his head to Cten.

"Cten, loyal, lovely Cten… how long have you been our Maid?" he asked, walking up to her.

"I have been your loyal servant since the cold unfeeling robot arm brought me to life. Why Tallest Purple, don’t you remember? Do you need your head rubbed again?" Cten sounded slightly worried, as she looked over Tallest Purple.

"No no no.. no. I’m just so happy to announce your… your…. Promotion! Yes, that’s it." Purple then shook Cten by the hand, the small confused Irken shook back.

"Promotion…? Ah! Am I now the Royal Toilet scrubber?" Cten’s eyes glistened with hope.

"No. You’ve been promoted to Invader!" Purple declared happily, Red then caught on and nodded happily.

"Oh yes! All your years of service has proven to us that you are capable of becoming a famous Invader! You’ll make us all proud with your first mission!" Red then picked up the SIR by the antennae.

"Owchie!" the SIR declared.

Red and Purple rushed from the room, carrying the two forms of life, well, one form of life, one form of information data control, and swooped them down the hallway as they hurried.

"But Noble Tallest Sirs, who shall make your snacks the way you like them? Who else knows that Tallest Red likes his meatmongers with the legs cut off? No one else knows how to rub Sir Purple’s head the right way!" Cten was trying to bring up a reason for her not to be pushed of into space, for she liked and enjoyed her job as a Maid, but Invader?

"Sorry no refunds on promotions. It’s on auto pilot, so don’t worry!" Purple threw her into the Voot Runner, and Red dropped the SIR in after her. The hatch slammed shut, the engines flared, and the Voot Runner soared off into space.

The two Tallest waved it goodbye, until it was out of their sight.

"Think we did the right thing, sending a Maid in place of a Invader?" Red asked Purple as the vessel vanished.

"…I’m not that sure now…. And she was right, no one else knows how to rub my head the way she does!"

~*~

"GIR! What have you done to the parent decoys?!" Zim had arrived home from school to be greeted by his parent decoys, only, the decoys were kinda buried up to their necks in the front lawn between a Puffer fish and a lawn gnome.

GIR was standing off to the side, a shovel in one of his hands.

"Nothing!" GIR responded, dropping the shovel onto the Father decoy’s head.

"Don’t give me that… what was that in your hand then?" Zim glared down at his pathetic robot, who was still hidden from sight within his dog suit.

"It was a back scratcher Sir!" GIR replied innocently. Zim frowned and was about to add something when none other then Dib arrived at the fence.

"Well well well, what’s going on here Zim? A little parent pottery class?"

Zim turned on his heels to face Dib, leaning slyly against the fence, with his arms folded. He glanced at the parent decoys, then at Dib.

"These aren’t my parents! They’re… unsightly mushroom things! Now get out of here, before I sick my dog on you!" Zim waved his arm towards GIR, who was now poking one of the Gnomes in the eye with the shovel handle.

"Hyeah, sure. I’ll see you later Zim." Dib turned and walked back down the street, glancing back at Zim until he was gone from sight.

"Will he ever give up… pitiful human monkey thing! Come GIR, we must plan for tonight!" Zim headed indoors, leaving the parent decoys where they lay.

"Why sir, what are we doing tonight?" GIR asked, dropping the shovel, which happened to be zapped to smithereens by the Gnome.

"Plan to take over Earth! What else do we do you idiotic piece of tin can opener?!" Zim grabbed GIR by the head and yanked him inside, slamming the door behind him.

~*~

Meanwhile, in the deep dark space of universe, a small Voot Runner was soaring through space, and a very bored looking Cten and her SIR sat there, watching the stars whiz past.

"…how do Invaders keep themselves entertained anyway?" Cten asked her SIR,

"I wouldn’t know ma’am. Maybe they sang songs and played eye spy?" the SIR responded, then looked outside at the stars whizzing s’more.

"Oh BEK," Cten leant back in her seat, putting her feet up, "Why did Master Purple and Master Red dismiss me like that? Did I do something wrong?"

"I’m not sure ma’am. You always seem to be good at everything you did for them." BEK claimed, as a comet almost smashed them to pieces.

"Maybe I over cooked something!" Cten declared, sitting up. She tried to remember what she had cooked for them in the recent week, but nothing had turned up faulty.

"Maybe they need more Invaders?" BEK queried,

"90% of our population are Invaders! How could one more change anything?" Cten snapped at the SIR.

The rest of the trip was in silence, for one reason Cten soon fell asleep, and BEK had shut down for a charge up.

Later…

"Ma’am! Ma’am! Wake up! Wake up! You must see this!" Cten woke up to the shakings from BEK, and groggily opened her blue eyes.

"Wha…?" Cten asked, half asleep.

"Look!" BEK pointed out to the space, but now in the near distance was a planet, a planet which had blue and green, and white smeary things covering it. Cten sat up and put her hands to the window, her eyes showing amazement.

"Wooowwwww…"

The Voot Runner neared the planet, and it’s censors picked up the location of the other Voot Runner, and headed for it’s direction as it entered Earth’s atmosphere.

"I just hope this thing knows where it’s going…" Cten commented,

"I just hope that the auto pilot knows how to land!" BEK claimed as she noticed that the Voot Runner wasn’t slowing down at all.

~*~

Dib was sat on the front porch of his house, head in his hands. He had the type of look on his face which tells you he’s thinking deep thoughts, either that or constipation. He then rested his head on one hand, and his other hand began drumming on his knee.

"Come on Dib, think… there has to be a way you can reveal Zim’s identity to the human race… what’s wrong with me? I’ve always had good ideas! Think think THINK! Ow…" through his ranting, he had started hitting his head with his fists, now realising this causes pain, he’s stopped.

But then he heard a sound, a sound that drowned out that of the local birds and wildlife, if you can call the next door neighbour’s killer dog ‘wildlife’. It was a high humming sound, and mixed in with that, were screams, screams of the female kind too.

Dib’s eyes looked up at the sky, and in a split second, for the Voot Runner was going exceptionally fast, a flash of purple and white streaked down his street and was gone in another split second, the screams and humming dying out again. Dib blinked, and rubbed his, er, glasses.

"…Zim." He muttered, he stood up and pulled his camera out from his jacket, and took off down the street.

Unknown to Dib, his sister Gaz had been stood behind him all that time. She blinks, opens her eyes a bit then rubs them once they shut again.

"Maybe I should take a break from playing Game Slave… what am I saying?!" she heads back inside, and slams the door behind her.

~*~

Zim and GIR, within their secret lab under their base, are.. well… doing nothing. Their minds are blank, well, Zim’s is since GIR’s is always blank. Zim’s tapping a table with his laser gun, trying to think up something to do which could help in his mission to over take Earth.

"…stupid brain, think quicker!" Zim knocked himself up the head, but then he was annoyed by a beeping sound, coming from his huge computer screen. "SHUT UP!" he screeched at it, but the beeping continued. "I told you to SHUT-"

But then he noticed the red block lettering on the screen.

IRKEN VOOT RUNNER CLOSING IN – PREPARE FOR LANDING

"….VOOT RUNNER?!?! GIR!" Zim turns sharply on his heels, to see GIR playing dress up with a dead rat he found. GIR stands to attention.

"Yes Sir?" he asked in response,

"…get into doggy costume, we’re heading out!"

~*~

"We’re gonna die we’re gonna die we’re gonna die!!!!" Cten was raving while sat in her chair, hands failing all over the place. BEK was still stood off to the side.

"Correction ma’am, you shall die, I’ll just be rebuilt later." BEK claimed. Cten stared at her, and began ranting again.

"I’m gonna die I’m gonna die I’m gonna die I’m gonna DIE!"

~*~

Dib’s legs were running as quickly as they could, he was running at a speed he didn’t even know he possessed, for he had to get a photo of this cruiser because no way it could be swamp gas, seeing as how there is no swamp’s around this town, nor could it be a weather balloon this close to the ground. Plus, gas and balloons don’t scream.

"I know exactly where it’ll be too…" he sharply turned down an alley way, squeezed through the broken fence, ran through the garbage yard, and thus tripped on a used diaper and fell head first into some trash. He quickly scrambles out of it, and through another broken fence and vanishes from sight, at least he vanishes, the smell doesn’t.

~*~

Zim and GIR, now in their costumes, are stood outside their base, watching the skies. GIR’s more or less watching a butterfly flying around, which then flutters out onto the street and thus is smashed onto the windshield of the Voot Runner which comes to a quick grinding halt, and lands safely on the ground. Course, Cten’s in a hysterical state and is still screaming her head off inside.

Zim looks besides himself with happiness, his contact blue eyes are wide and he looks oddly… cute.

"A voot runner…. I thought I’d never see another on this pitiful planet! …but wait, why would they send one…? Maybe my mission is aborted and the Tallest sent an Irken to give me the message in Irken! Dah!" the look vanished from his face, and he ran a hand through his wig, making it look more shiny.

The hatch then hissed open, some fog appearing from it. It finally lifts to reveal… Cten in a fetal position in the chair, head hidden in the chair and her rear up in the air, and BEK stood besides her. BEK looks at Zim, then GIR.

"Greetings Irken and fellow SIR! I am BEK! And this is my-" BEK stopped talking since her mistress is now sitting up, and looking around, then down at herself.

"I… I’m alive! Irk be praised! I live!" Cten clambered out of the Voot Runner and kissed the ground in front of Zim, who can’t help but stare.

"I kiss the sweet ground! Ew." She gets to her feet and spits out some gravel. Cten then realised a fellow Irk was stood in front of her.

"…oh, greetings fellow Irken! I am Cten!" Cten thus bows at Zim, who’s staring at her blue eyes with great interest!

"…why are your eyes blue?" Zim asks, pointing to her eyes.

"Well that’s cause-"

"A-HAH!"

The two Irkens turned and there, stood with a banana peel on his head and reeking of garbage, is Dib. Plus other unsightly smudges which I think is dirt on his jacket.

"I knew it! Alien skum here to take over our planet! Okay smile please." Dib quickly snaps a photo. Cten just looks confused as she stares at Dib.

"Dib! What are you doing here you stinky earth skum?!" Zim turned on his opponent, coming between his view of Cten and BEK.

"Oh nothing, just once again getting evidence that you’re from another planet. Then I’ll have you on an autopsy table before you can say-"

"ATTACK!" Zim screeched, cutting Dib off. On command, GIR leapt at Dib and soon the two vanished in a cloud of smoke, Zim turned quickly to Cten.

"Quick! Minimize your Voot Trooper and get inside!" Zim declared to Cten, who had been watching the fight. She stares at Zim blankly.

"…minimize…?" she asked in a lost voice. Zim snorted, and pushed a button on the Voot Runner. It quickly folded up and ended up looking like a book. Cten blinks, and picks it up, just before Zim grabs her arm and drags her inside his base, BEK in tow.

Seeing how he’s left alone, GIR then takes in after them, slamming the door behind him. Dib, is still in one piece and doesn’t seem hurt at all, he slowly sits up. He looks himself over, and slowly a grin crosses his face.

"I… I’m okay! HAH Zim! Your pathetic attack dog does nothing! And I’ve got photos! I’ve… where’s my camera?"

~*~

"Whhheeeee! Hehehehe! Smile Sir!" GIR, now happily wielding Dib’s camera is running around the base, snapping photos of anything he can. So far he’s gotten half the monkey picture on the wall, a couch leg, Cten’s foot, BEK’s antennae, and now Zim’s stomach.

"GIR! Get out of here! Myself and Cten have important matters to discuss! Go play with the SIR or something." Zim swiped a hand at GIR, trying to get the annoying robot to leave.

"Aw, okay then! Come on SIR thingy!" GIR grabbed BEK by the hand and dragged her from the room.

"Ma’am…?" BEK looked to Cten, hoping that her mistress would allow her not to go with the weird robot.

"Go BEK." Cten replied.

Soon the robots were gone, leaving the two Irkens to talk amongst each other in the kitchen area.

"So tell me, why were you sent?" Zim asked as he climbed onto the toilet, his transportation device to his lab.

"Well, Tallest Red and Purple gave me a promotion, so I became an Invader and sent me here to aid you in your crusade." Cten replied, glancing at the surroundings.

"I see. So you are like, an ally to me?" Zim asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Pretty much." Cten replied.

"Ah. This conversation shall continue, in my lab. Follow suit, ally Cten." Zim pulled the toilet chain, and he vanishes from sight. Cten could just stare blankly.

~*~

Dib was making his way home slowly, once again his plans of trying to get evidence of Zim being an alien had been thwarted. This time by the stupid little dog thing that Zim always had around him when out of school.

He didn’t care that most people he passed in the streets, ended up passed out on the streets because of his stench, his mind was wondering who that other alien was. This one, unlike Zim, had blue eyes. He remembered seeing Zim with red eyes, but this one had blue.

He stopped in his tracks.

"They’re going to breed!" Dib declared to no one in particular, and took off in a dash.

That’s it! The other was a female! She’d been sent here to Earth to find Zim and to reproduce! If there is to be more of them, they’ll become more powerful! He had to do something, something to stop the two from breeding then multiplying. First he had to find out the gestation period of Zim’s species, and find out how long it takes for one to grow fully!

He soon came to his front door and swung it open and rushed inside up to his room, but then Gaz came to his door, a hand held to her nose.

"Dib?" she asked, sounding slightly nasal.

"Don’t bother me now Gaz! I’m on the breakthrough to discovering the reproduction and mating rituals of Zim’s species!" Dib replied hysterically as he was grabbing his things.

"First at least shower Dib, already the neighbours are complaining." Gaz snapped, and slammed the door shut. Dib paused, and the stench finally reached him.

"WOOO! Blah!" he screeched loudly, and covered his nose.

~*~

Cten was amazed indeed. The lab that Zim had under his control was very awe-inspiring, even for her, who had worked under Tallest Red and Purple all her life. How everything had it’s place, the many screens of data (TV in our terms), and all the terminals… she could only say one thing.

"Pretty…" Cten mumbled to herself.

"So, come along new ally Cten! Explain to your commanding officer why you’re here!" Zim was now sat on a swivel chair, while Cten was still standing. She blinked and looked to him.

"I said, I got a promotion so I guess I’m here to help you." Cten replied.

"Ah. Now, your eyes. What happened?" Zim just remembered his second question, he pointed to her, "You aren’t an albino are you?" he asked, he had heard of albino-like Irkens, but wasn’t sure on their colors. He had heard they were pale skinned with white eyes, but he wasn’t sure.

"…I’m supposed to have blue eyes." Cten replied simply.

"Oh? Why?" Zim leaned back in his chair, putting his feet up on the table he had made just spring up out of nowhere, separating the two.

"I’m a girl." Cten replied.

Zim lost balance and toppled over backwards, landing on his back. A female Irken? He had never seen such a thing! He didn’t even know the existed! He got to his feet quickly, dusting himself off.

"You’re a female? I mean, of course you are!" Zim asked, trying to sound as sure of himself.

"You don’t know about female Irkens, do you?" Cten saw straight through him, and he slumped his shoulders.

"No not really." He replied pitifully. "I’ve never even seen one." He added.

"Ahhh. Well you see, the females are kept out of sight back on Irk, Zim. We’re usually just for the Mighty Tallest to see, you know, cook for them and do basic chores like that." Cten replied, "I was a Maid all my life, until I was promoted to an Invader like yourself." She added.

"Oohhh… so females have blue eyes, while males have red?" Zim was kinda catching on.

"Pretty much. But each Irken must reproduce at least once in their life time." Cten claimed. This caused Zim to slightly blush at the idea of reproducing.

"Oh, I… I see…"

"But that is not until we have reached a certain age, then, at some time, the female’s eyes go from a blue to a red, and the male’s eyes go from red to blue. That shows that they are ready to reproduce. From the mating, and the birth, the hatchling is placed into the vile liquid and once it is stable enough, it is brought to life." Cten said this all calmly, even though to Zim, this was ‘The Talk’.

"….so that’s how it happens…" he mumbled to himself.

"Pretty much yeah." Cten replied, then smiled at him. "But my eyes have never turned red, I’m too young."

"Well, well mine haven’t turned blue…" Zim muttered to himself,

"Then we are both too young." Cten heard him, and responded. Zim looked at her, one eyebrow raised. But then he walked over to her.

"Then this is a good thing! With the idea of breeding out of our minds forever more now, you can help assist me in my ruling of this planet!.. once I conquer it that is." Zim added.

"I am at your service, Zim." Cten replied, then an Irken light appeared near her head. "When was the last time you had an Irken cooked meal?"

"Oh gee I dunno… since I left?" Zim asked, unsure why she was asking.

"Then tonight, I’m making you…" she paused for dramatic effect, "Evasanna Molara!"

Zim’s jaw almost dropped.

"B-but how? None of those ingredients…" Zim stuttered,

"Oh I have my ways Zim. Tonight you shall be tasting Evasanna Molara that used to be eaten by the Mighty Tallest alone! But, I have a question first." Cten was now glancing at a picture of Dib, hanging on the wall and it had laser holes through it.

"Okay shoot." Zim replied, a little more angst in his voice for he wanted to taste the Evasanna Molara as soon as possible.

"Who was that… creature?" she asked, and pointed to Dib’s image. Zim glanced at it, then looked back at her.

"THAT, is the pitiful human Earth-monkey skum known as Dib. He is the only one who knows who we really are, and that is the reason why after my feasting on Evasanna Molara, I am to assign you your costume. Your costume is what you are to wear whenever you are off my base, for if you are seen without it, disaster would reign down upon us and our mission would be doomed!"

There was a moments pause.

"I see now."

~*~

After a good soak in the bath, Dib was now clean once again. He was now writing in a thick black book, entitled ‘Zim Events’. Now this is the voice over of what he’s thinking as he writes it down. Thank you.

February 1^st

Today I actually saw a vessel from outer space, possibly it is of the same built that got Zim to this planet as well. When I finally arrived at Zim’s base, there stood before him was another alien! Sadly my camera was stolen by Zim’s pathetic dog, but I have made some sketches which are enclosed with this entry.

Note to self. Don’t use permanent glue. Can cause problems

Anyway, I noticed the color of the second alien’s was that of a deep sea blue. I have reported seeing Zim with red eyes. Maybe the hue of the creatures eyes back on Zim’s planet, shows which sex it is. This is just my rough guess, but I believe that the blue-eyed alien was sent here to mate with Zim, and to reproduce on Earth. Thus growing in numbers quickly and efficiently, soon they’ll over run man kind!

But I know of their dreaded plan, I’m going to put all my effort into thwarting their chances of reproducing. Although I am unsure of how Zim’s species…. Do it, I’m sure it’s something stupid like, touching antennae, or touching finger tip to finger tip. I shall thwart it all!

::insert maniacal laughter here::

~Dib

To be continued, sometime in the near future, you better bet your human ears on it!